Death is Not Defeat

Jezebel
6 min readAug 24, 2020

My suicide anniversary

Photo by Chris Curry on Unsplash

You know me as sexual Jezebel! But I have a checkered past over the past year! Yes, I am reaping the benefits of writing for Medium and honing my craft as a newbie in this forum, but I was in a very dark place a year ago!

On 8/29/19, I took 60 prescription pills and a bottle of wine intentionally.

There are five factors that brought me to this date;1. going through a divorce and having your partner of 31 plus years denigrate and subjugate your existence with your adult children. 2. Older son does not want a relationship with me, his mother, after she left his father, 20 months ago, stil heart broken! 3. One of twin daughters still judges her mother since divorce. 4. Sexually abused by boss in his office. 5. finances run amuck, and loneliness! Seems simple right??

NO!

My life got harder after my said suicide! After I drank my concoction that day, the two guys I was dating simultaneously, called EMS and the police. The rest is my story!

Seven police officers arrived at my door that day while I lay waiting for death! I was pissed at both my lovers for calling EMS…I really wanted to die! I planned it meticulously and had left 7 letters for my loved ones and workmates.

I felt comfortable with my decision for two days, and relished my ending! When your children abandon you, it is unfathomable! My heart broke in many pieces and I had considered myself an awesome mother.

Once I lost my bearing on my moral compass, I was doomed to what was about to transpire. I should be dead!

I walked down 30 stairs to the awaiting ambulance that evening, all my neighbors outside watching me, and was alert and awake the entire time. I couldn’t believe that I failed at what I had thought and prayed about for two days was now thwarted.

I heard the ambulance siren as I lay on the stretcher next to the EMT in the back of the ambulance that day, around 7:45 pm.

I exited the ambulance on a stretcher into the Emergency Department that night. I was asked a myriad of questions, all which I responded quite lucidly. I was put into a room and my vitals were taken. Then I had 10 or so vials of blood taken and waited…alone in the dark.

--

--

Jezebel

Jezebel is a psychotherapist who lives and works passionately. Life is a journey worth sharing our musings for others to enjoy.