When your Primary is Monogamous and you are Not

7 min readJan 3, 2020


Yes, it happens! You meet a great guy, announce you are practicing Ethical Non-Monogamy, and he accepts it…at the beginning. My primary is the most respectful, giving, genuine to a fault, treats me like the queen I am, but non-committal. Ugh! I have often offered up my ENM status for a long-term relationship. However, he knows as I do, I am drawn to multiple lovers/partners. But I crave this relationship with him, because it isn’t all about sex.

After 31 years of uninteresting sex and degradation from my soon-to-be ex-husband, this relationship with my primary was a welcome but scary change in direction for me. I hadn’t been respected or valued as a human, and not just a sex object, ever! I tried to self-sabotage this relationship when it began in June 2019, trying to find fault with this awesome guy! But couldn’t find any so I appealed to him in early August, after 8 weeks of blissful and mind blowing sex, that I was ready to commit to one…him! Omg, what was I thinking, but this is how I felt about him and the intimacy we shared was unimaginable. I craved him in between our dates and pleaded that I wanted to spend more time with him. However, this beautiful man is emotionally withdrawn from society, including me. I would give over heaven and earth if my primary would reciprocate half of what I am prepared to give him in return for a committed relationship. He has been my biggest cheerleader, at 6'0 feet or more and 300+ pounds. He is a “masterful” lover and is only interested in my pleasure. I, in turn, have tried to reconstruct his self-esteem and confidence through genuine, loving sentiments and encouragement.

But his response in August was, “I like things the way they are now”. Ouch, as I was throwing myself at him, emotionally and mentally, besides physically intimate, which I craved like a drug from him. He has a performance anxiety issue due to two circumcisions five years ago as an adult, which robbed him of his manhood, and thus created this terrible self-loathing due to feeling less than a man in penis size.

Our first encounter, as it were, was for a tantric massage only. He was trusting of me, and allowed me to penetrate all his vulnerabilities. Well, as part of my script before such a massage, I discussed no happy endings and he was to enjoy himself. He had not had human touch for a while and was very aroused. He wanted to touch my breasts. I do this massage topless with only minimal undergarments. I allowed him to fondle me for the first time, and found myself tingling in my lady parts.

I gave him a two hour tantric massage and penis massage and you can imagine his reaction, he wanted to fuck me hard, but not with his penis. He insisted on finger-fucking. I wasn’t accustomed to giving a happy ending, but his innocence and ardor entranced me.

It was like a drug the first time, my bearings on my compass thrown off. I orgasmed at least four times and squirting like a champ too! He was mesmerized by my squirting abilities and was intoxicated by it. (Most guys think we are lying). That was the first of many beautiful, intimate, and totally committed sexual energy…but emotionally only on my part!

We “dated” for two months when I attempted suicide, not relating to anything due to him, on the contrary. I felt like a burden to him due to his non-committal status. I took 60 prescription pills in a glass with a bottle of wine to end my “sorry” life on August 29, 2019. He called the State Police when I said goodbye to him by text. (I know heartless, I realize this now). I was seeing another man whom shall remain nameless to protect him, as he betrayed my wishes and called 911 to report my impending suicide. Thusly, I ended up with five policeman and two paramedics 40 minutes after I took my death cocktail, in my bedroom.

I live to tell this story. I wasn’t given Narcan or had my stomach pumped or any other measure to counteract my actions. Instead I was lucid, had a slight headache, and when my blood results came back, it was only noted that my calcium was down a smidge. I didn’t realize the full extent of living, after such an act of ending my life so violently. The reasons are still too personal to report.

I was given numerous reports from doctors, my therapist, and psychopharmchologist, how lucky I was to be alive, medically. I was Sectioned 12 and sent to an inpatient unit in town for 5 days. Then I did a stint at a partial hospitalization program for two weeks. All the while, my primary came to the inpatient facility, was non-judgmental, caring, and supported me. He could have abandoned me as a crazy bitch, too emotional for a real friendship, or whatever we had at that time. But he did not!

I was not allowed to have my clothes for my transport to the inpatient facility so I wore a paper top and bottom for days in this unit. I contacted my primary and asked him to bring me underwear and deodorant from my apartment. He refused, saying he didn’t go in anyone’s house without them, for fear of being accused of stealing something. (As if I would, I have nothing of value). So he went to Walmart and bought me underwear based on another woman’s rump he viewed while she shopped. I got 5 pairs of different colored cotton Hanes, deodorant, a container of Ben and Jerry’s Strawberry Shortcake, and a few Hershey bars! All on point as my favorites in life. His actions represented so much more. He had given me dignity again!

After this “event” we began building again on our relationship status. Again in November I asked him if he felt something for me, and he replied that he “was happy with what we had”. This time I was pissed because I got that answer in August and this was three months later. Don’t get me wrong, he is 150% committed to me on our dates. However, in between, he is often emotionally withdrawn and doesn’t believe I have a right to know how he is, or if he is in need of something from me. Case in point, on December 6, 2019, we had plans to go to a play in Providence, RI with my adult daughter. It was to be their first meeting. He was admitted that day to the hospital for chest pains. I found out at 3:30 pm that he was there, and not likely to go with us to the play. I was heart-broken! Not about him unable to go the play, but because he hadn’t thought it important to let me know that he was in the hospital with chest pain, and getting serious testing all the day. I felt my placement in his life at that moment. I was a “fun” time and nothing more.

I tried to break up with him the next day and said I needed more that I realized the day before, (and actually way before this), that he was a lone wolf. If I ever wanted to feel unconditional love, it would not be with him. My heart broke, realizing this was only what he was prepared to give.

We worked out a title that I demanded I have. It is called, Cossa Nostra! If you google it, it means Mafia in Italian. The other meaning is “this thing called ours”. I thought I could “settle” for this title because this was better than nothing. But I am empty more times I am full in this relationship. I had given up all of my partners for this wonderful man in November and December. However, it did not change the course of our relationship. He continued to be kind, thoughtful, and distant, even when I gave him 100% exclusivity.

I realized this was not going to go anywhere, except my heart would continue to be broken over and over. I get it, he met me as an ENM practitioner and tried to act cool about it. I never told him of any of my other partners escapades, but he knew about my lifestyle. However, all my other partners, knew he was special to me, because I called him “my primary”. They coveted this label because they saw my utter devotion to this man.

Unfortunately, all my attempts to woo him and give him blindly all of my sensuous, committed and very devoted expression of love, have not born fruit. I realized sadly last week that this is all he is willing to give, but I cannot be satisfied with this offering.

So I went back on my two go-to websites to troll again and maybe find some solace of wanton sexual pleasure. He has grown distant since I mentioned I had plans this past week. He knows I am active again, and it is difficult for him to accept my lifestyle. My heart continues to beat for him, but I cannot continue to feel less than what I am capable of offering to a man.

So when you embark on a path of diversions, or other partners, be careful to evaluate the relationships you are growing and if they are truly accepting of your lifestyle.




Jezebel is a psychotherapist who lives and works passionately. Life is a journey worth sharing our musings for others to enjoy.